"The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug" Review

WARNING: MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Why can't every fantasy epic be like Game of Thrones or even the original Lord of the Rings movies?

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug - the second film of Peter Jackson's L.O.T.R. prequel trilogy - panders too much to the video game crowd with superficial storytelling and ridiculous stunts that come off far-fetched, even for a big-budget fantasy picture like this.

In what may be the greatest sequence of controlled chaos ever captured at 48 frames per second, we see dwarves riding in barrels careening down a whitewater river and haphazardly taking out hordes of orcs as they go.

You wouldn't have seen that ten years ago, and it makes one wonder the kind of lowly chord Jackson has now struck in Tolkein's grave. After a certain point, all I could think to myself was, "Seriously?"

Throw in some giant spiders (been there, done that) and The Desolation of Smaug puts Legolas's hokey-but-badass shield surfing in The Two Towers to shame in the worst possible way.

To add insult to injury, I found the CGI to be mediocre at best.

The biggest set pieces look cartoony, as do the orcs who are no longer portrayed by live actors as they were in the Lord of the Rings films.

The combat felt much more raw and realistic with the actors as orcs.

Now it just looks and feels like a three-hour Whack-A-Mole game.

The plot, while not all that dissimilar from the earlier movies (get a group together / venture to this place in order to do this thing / meet folks along the way), simply lacks the emotional panache of the Lord of the Rings. I could care less about what happens to Bilbo, Thorin (Richard Armitage), Bard (Luke Evans), or any of the other characters because all their actions and reactions feel skin-deep. I sense no true change in the film's hobbit hero, who seems just as squirrelly as he was six hours and two movies ago at The Shire. Hell, Frodo started finding his own autonomy by the end of Fellowship.

For a story that's supposed to be about finding your courage and embracing the unknown, Martin Freeman's quasi-douchey Bilbo makes finding a reason to embrace this prequel story impossible. The fact that his character seemingly takes a back seat to Gandalf, Thorin, Bard, the elves, or any of the other dwarves, except for when his "burglary" skills are needed, makes matters even worse. "The Dwarves" would be a more apt title for this movie.

The Hobbit's sole saving grace is Benedict Cumberbatch who doesn't even appear in person.

He plays the voice of Smaug - the fearsome dragon who guards the dwarves' gold and inhabits the desolate mountain kingdom that they hope to reclaim.

It's clear that the bulk of the special effects budget was spent on making Smaug look just right. The amount of detail on his hide and scales is impeccable, looking every bit as gnarly and battle-scarred as Tolkein could have envisioned.

Cumberbatch's voice work is outstanding; it makes the film's final act both frightening and engaging. Just a casual conversation with the dragon had me on the edge of my seat more than any of the big action sequences did.

The introduction of Smaug alone makes this sequel better than The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.

Though it finishes strong and leaves fans hungry for the final chapter, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is unlikely to convert franchise newcomers as the series continues to devolve into an emotionless shell of its former cinematic glory.

C+