"G.I. Joe: Retaliation" Review

Remember when you were 8 years old, and you got up early on Saturday mornings to watch your favorite cartoons? For me, the classics were shows like Pokemon, Spongebob Squarepants, Spider-Man, and occasionally some reruns of old-school Bugs Bunny cartoons. Each generation has their favorites, but the one right before mine had arguably the greatest line-up of all time including shows like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Thundercats, Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, and G.I. Joe.
Now, more often than not, these cartoons always had an accompanying set of action figures, trading cards, playsets, or video games. In the case of G.I. Joe, the action figures preceded the wave of 80's cartoons and spin-off movies. The first G.I. Joe action figures appeared in the 1960s and were billed by distributor Hasbro as "America's movable fighting man". The initial line of products offered tribute to four branches of the U.S. armed forces: Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marine Corps. 
It wasn't until the 1980s when a storyline was introduced in a comic book that established the Cobra forces as the enemy organization of the G.I. Joes, now its own military organization comprising the best-of-the-best good guys from armed forces the world.

Any boy who grew up in the 70s or 80s has a special place in his heart for the G.I. Joes. As one of the most beloved symbols of young male childhood, Paramount Pictures and Hasbro have faced a daunting task trying to do justice to the fans with its recent big screen incarnations of the G.I. Joes. 2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was packed with campy action and colorful characters, but overall the experience felt like the bloated sugar rush you get from one too many Saturday morning bowls of Frosted Flakes, including the exhausted crash afterwards. So the studio decided to try again with G.I. Joe: Retaliation, a movie that many questioned would even end up being made. Originally slated as a direct sequel to The Rise of Cobra, Retaliation underwent numerous re-writes and re-shoots that delayed its release by almost a full year. But on March 29th, 2013, G.I. Joe: Retaliation was finally released to the public, and the results are decidedly mixed.

While maintaining the genuine sense of humor and humanity the lack of which doomed its predecessor, Retaliation still offers little more than early Summer fluff. Having said that, there's plenty more for fans to be excited about here than in The Rise of Cobra. Retaliation isn't so much a sequel as it is a "re-boot" of the franchise with new lead characters and a new director.
In a story that sees our "Real American Heroes" lose everything at the hands of an impostor, Zombieland scribes Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick manage to inject a fresh sense of humor that's actually funny, something that The Rise of Cobra failed to establish in 2009. When you have heroes as larger-than-life as Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee), and "I-still-got-it" General Joe Colton (Bruce Willis), it's important to not take yourself too seriously. For the most part, Retaliation succeeds at this and still manages to bring a Bourne-level of intensity to each action scene (which, in this case, is nearly every scene).

Now being a G.I. Joe picture, you expect some pretty spectacular action, but I've gotta be honest; I wasn't all that impressed with the stunts in Retaliation. Many of the fights recycle the same tactics we've seen before in better movies like Enter the Dragon. Hell, even if you remember the stunts from The Rise of Cobra, you might still be underwhelmed because honestly, it doesn't get much more over-the-top than The Rise of Cobra. (Thoughts of a decimated Paris come to mind...) But I will say, Retaliation does boast a pretty kick-ass cliffside fight, which is something I haven't quite seen before. Director Jon M. Chu's influence is most apparent in this scene. Like so many of his Step Up dance routines, the cliff scene is stunningly choreographed. It's probably Retaliation's most well-made and thrilling sequence.
But the bland action isn't the worst aspect of this movie. That distinction goes to Wu-Tang Clan's RZA with his God-awful performance as the Blind Master. The guy was never exactly a Sydney Poitier to begin with, but he's so much better in movies like American Gangster and Due Date where he holds his own against heavyweights like Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe, and Robert Downey Jr. As the Blind Master, RZA overdoes it to a point where he's darn near unwatchable. Thank goodness his screen time is brief.
There are also some glaring plot holes regarding Cobra Commander that I didn't appreciate. Like, who leaves Destro, one of the biggest villains of the G.I. Joe-Cobra lore, out to dry halfway through the movie without a word? And when the Joes inevitably finish their duty, where is Cobra Commander to swear his revenge? If there's one thing The Rise of Cobra has on Retaliation, it's a stronger sequel setup.

Even though the movie feels much more like a genuine action picture than its cartoonish predecessor, G.I. Joe: Retaliation still offers the same candy-coated payoff. There's fun to be had, and for a moment, you may once again feel that sense of awe you had when you were 8 years old, but when it's over, you'll probably just let it go, much like those old action figures left buried in the basement.

(However, if you find yourself having thoughts about Adrianne Palicki as Lady Jaye the next day, that's perfectly normal.)

6.5/10