"Movie 43" Review

As the film's tagline states, "Once you see it, you can't unsee it." But boy, do I wish I could.

Movie 43 is about a crazed writer (Dennis Quaid) who pitches his movie idea to a studio executive (Greg Kinnear). The pitch is presented as a variety of comedic short films that expand across multiple plot lines, each with different characters.

I remember seeing ads for this movie and thinking they looked funny. They reminded me of something I'd probably watch in middle school. Loads of humor starring just about every famous actor working in Hollywood today. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turns out, lots. Movie 43 is skin-crawling, awkward, and just plain terrible. The humor is so disgusting and over-the-top that it's nearly impossible to laugh. I'm shocked that major players like Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Gerard Butler, and Halle Berry were coaxed into doing a low-brow movie like this. It's uncharacteristic for everyone involved from the cast to its twelve directors, many of whom have solid credits to their name like Brett Ratner, Steven Brill, James Gunn, Peter Farrelly, and Steve Carr. You know things are bad when Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville star in a segment together, and you feel like even these two blockheads can do better.

The only scene that's really hysterical is a segment that features Jason Sudeikis as Batman and Justin Long as Robin. There are a host of other names who make appearances as superheroes, and it's a riot to see them parody such popular characters. Otherwise, Movie 43 is excruciating to watch from top to bottom. There were times where I honestly felt like walking out and asking for my money back. Hugh Jackman with a pair of testicles hanging from his chin? A masturbating cartoon cat? A naked woman used as an MP3 player? A man who has to defecate so badly that he literally explodes when struck by a car? I mean, come on, really? Oscar-caliber actors stooping to this level? It's disheartening, sad, and darn near unwatchable.
It's also the thinnest excuse of an interconnecting plot that I've ever seen. None of the characters in the segments acknowledge each other. Nobody seems to be within the same universe. There's no resolution that brings all the characters together. It's just multiple 10-15 minute short stories all strung together by a stupid plot featuring Dennis Quaid, Greg Kinnear, Common, and Seth MacFarlane. I think this marks the first time I've heard MacFarlane open his mouth and not found myself laughing hysterically. He's given nothing funny to say, and he's only in the movie for about a minute. Low humor is this man's forte, and he's got nothing to show for it in Movie 43.

Also I'd like to add that I don't really consider myself a spoken advocate of many causes, but I have a problem with the way Movie 43 objectifies women, Asians, and African Americans. The iBabe music player, an Englishman getting facial reconstructive surgery in order to look Chinese, and an offensive take on the underdog basketball team story all prove to be too much. I imagine Movie 43 feels an awful lot like looking for hay in a needle stack. Painful jabs from beginning to end with very little solace to be found. It's still early, but this film makes a strong case for the worst of 2013.

1/2 OF 4 STARS

"Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" Review

This ain't the Brothers Grimm, so forget everything you think you know about the fairy tale. 

Clearly driven by their traumatic childhood experience, the titular siblings of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters swap their breadcrumbs for the big guns as they seek to eliminate every last wart-nosed wench in the land. But as the storied "blood moon" approaches, Hansel and Gretel must face a new evil that harbors a dark secret to their past.

Sounds pretty crazy, right? And the ads looked stupid, didn't they? From the outside, this looks like another campy episode in the same vein of absurdity as last summer's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. That would be a correct assertion. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is undeniably insane. We know it. The actors know it. And that's what makes this bodacious bloodbath so much fun.

It's by no means a "good" movie, but it's not totally "bad" either. I had little to no expectations for Hansel & Gretel, so I just went with it. I knew I wasn't paying to see Oscar material, so I just buckled in and waited to see where the ride would take me.

What I got were crazy custom weapons, gnarly creatures, and buckets of blood. I've seen these stunts before in movies like Van Helsing and the campier of last year's Lincoln adaptations. It's that same dark, foreboding, loosely-steampunk-inspired horror story that attempts to put a fresh twist on familiarity. This actually ends up making Hansel & Gretel forgettable. 

But despite this gripe, I've gotta hand it to stars Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton. They both know how crazy the concept is, and it's great to see them taking things lightly. The actors and the audience both know they're just here for the popcorn, so it's refreshing to feel like your stars might have the same feelings towards the movie as you do. Because Lord knows with a title like Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, nobody should be taking it seriously. The fun performances by Renner and Arterton, as well as Thomas Mann (the kid from Project X) keep the film from ultimately feeling like one too many of the witches' sweets.

There are also a few fun twists that come towards the film's end. The villain (Famke Janssen) brings everything full-circle, and it ends up actually being pretty deep for January popcorn fare. Even though some may just call it beef jerky, I still like a little meat with my junk food. 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is well-cast with a humor-spiked script from writer/director Tommy Wirkola. The 3-D is decent for the fight scenes, but not totally necessary. I'd prefer to avoid being covered in wood chips and exploding body parts if that's okay. All in all I'd say this movie feels like a roller coaster that I've been on a hundred times. It's a blast while it lasts (thanks to Renner, Arterton, and some nifty action sequences), but when it's over I'm ready to move on to the next thing.

2.5 OF 4 STARS

The Office - "Customer Loyalty" (Jan. 24, 2013)

BEWARE OF SPOILERS!!!!!

This week on The Office...

CiCi has a dance recital that Jim asks Pam to record for him. Dwight heads a "customer loyalty" initiative to try to keep Darryl from moving to Philadelphia, and Nellie attempts to stage an office-wide intervention on Jake and Erin's flirtatious relationship while also confronting her past with Toby.

The funniest moment of this week's episode features Dwight and Darryl at a fast food restaurant, with Dwight wasting a perfectly good milkshake in order to pull a YouTube-caliber prank on the drive-thru guy. But as per usual, things don't end up going Dwight's way.
Other than that, tonight isn't much of a gutbuster. The ending left me upset and terrified for the future. I'm not a fan of seeing Jim and Pam on the rocks, and for the first time in recent memory, we see a "breach of the wall" when Pam reaches out to one of the show's cameramen for solace. I'm glad to see something new, but I don't like the circumstances at all. With today's announcement that Steve Carell would NOT be returning for the series finale still hanging heavy on my heart, this Thursday was a disappointing day for this Office stalwart.

American Horror Story: Asylum - "Madness Ends" (Jan. 23, 2013)

Tonight marks the season finale of FX's freak-show American Horror Story: Asylum and the last we'll ever see of Briarcliff.

SPOILERS: The action is shifted to present day. Lana sits for an exposee on her career and rise to fame. We learn the fates of Kit, his children, and Sister Jude, and we also finally get to see the shocking confrontation between Lana and her wayward son.
This wasn't a tremendously horrifying end for the Asylum saga. I expected to see firsthand how Briarcliff eventually moved to its decrepit state. That sequence is never shown. Instead the writers opt to mention the fate of the asylum in a sneeze-and-you'll-miss-it statement from Lana during her interview. Make sure you're paying attention. Something about a storm...
I was disappointed in that regard, but there's certainly no shortage of shock value. Looks like creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk (Glee*, Nip/Tuck) saved the best for last. I didn't expect the outcome of Lana's meeting with her son (Dylan McDermott) to go as it did, but it was mind-blowing. Kit's fate is also unexpected, but it's appropriate. Fans of the series should be satisfied.

I'm eager to see what's in store for the next chapter of American Horror Story. I'm trying to think up ideas for what they could do next. The haunted house and the insane asylum are two classic horror settings that have been dispatched like a severed appendage. I'd like to see them do something in the forest, maybe taking the classic slasher or cabin-in-the-woods trope for a spin. Murphy and Falchuk could really get crazy with that. There's so much potential there to show us something we haven't seen before. If they do it right, I'd like to question my sanity and safety the next time I go hiking.

(* Yes, Glee. The creators of American Horror Story are the same minds behind the popular high school comedy-musical series. Depending what level "gleek" you are, that may not be such a surprise.)

"Blue Valentine" Review

"You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."

These are the first words I've ever heard sung by actor Ryan Gosling. I'd think twice about calling him the next Sinatra, but it's a charming ballad that fits like a glove in the narrative of Derek Cianfrance's Blue Valentine, an emotional drama that chronicles the relationship of Dean (Gosling) and Cindy (Michelle Williams) as it evolves over several years.
Blue Valentine centers primarily on the couple's rocky marriage at present but uses cross-cutting to show us their courtship. It's nonlinear and can be difficult to follow, but it's an effective way to dispense of the couple's back-story. SPOILERS: I think this method of cross-cutting also serves to enhance the story's emotional weight. Blue Valentine maintains a firm grip on the audience by showing us a young couple who are madly in love, but then switching gears to show us that same couple in a dark, empty state. It's flooring to see this change of tone between scenes, and coupled with magnificent performances from Gosling and Williams, Blue Valentine certainly packs enough melancholy punch to keep me invested.

As the fireworks crashed and the credits rolled, I found myself reflecting on the title's significance. Blue Valentine... what could it mean? I think "valentine" is obvious. The story is about a couple in love. But "blue" I think refers to the sad, decrepit state of their marriage. Blue is a color that often signifies sadness or melancholy, and I think those emotions are pervasive in this movie. So in a way, the title's kind of an oxymoron. All part of the psychological appeal.
Speaking of the color blue, Blue Valentine seems to use at least one shade of blue in every single shot. This reminds me of one of my favorite films of all time, Spike Lee's Do The Right Thing. In Lee's film, the color red is present in nearly every scene, whether it's on a wall, on someone's shirt, on a car or even on a woman's lips. Lee uses red to signify the boiling hot racial tensions in one Brooklyn neighborhood on the hottest day of the summer. I like the use of color in both films to accentuate the emotions that the directors want us to feel as viewers. It enhances the atmosphere and makes it easier to emotionally connect with the characters.


Blue Valentine thrives on its performances too. I think I enjoyed Michelle Williams better in Simon Curtis's My Week with Marilyn, but Ryan Gosling is at the top of his game here. I think this is the best I've ever seen him, with his performance in Drive a close second. The chemistry between these two is electric. They seem so natural together, making their character evolution as a couple even more fascinating.
With such strong leads, Cianfrance's Blue Valentine is a very different love story. You'll laugh a little, cry a lot, but as such a spellbinding display of human emotion, you might even be compelled to watch it again. It's currently streaming on Netflix Instant.

3.5 OF 4 STARS

"Snow on Tha Bluff" Review

We see and hear it every day.

It's lauded in the music we listen to, the magazines we read, the websites we visit, and the television programs we watch. "Thug life" is very much a part of today's popular culture, and thanks to the Internet, it's more accessible than ever. Everyone has a favorite hip-hop artist, whether they can name five songs by that artist or not. In their music, we are bombarded with poetry that stings like a drive-by bullet, left to picture for ourselves what life is like in the 'hood. Everyone thinks they understand, but you have no idea until you experience it for yourself.

I think that's what the reality-drama film Snow on Tha Bluff tries to do; capture a few days in the life of an Atlanta drug dealer and showcase it to the world. I think the intent is to erase some of the ignorance that most of our media provide and show that "thug life" isn't all it's cracked up to be.
And for the most part, the movie succeeds. It's a portrait of life in a different societal sector that's not like any other dramatized entry out there. Snow on Tha Bluff stands out for its gritty presentation and its lead performance from real-life drug dealer Curtis Snow.

Although it's not established as such thematically, the film has the look of a recovered-footage picture, making the action seem much more authentic. (Though a case could be made for calling it "stolen-footage".) If Snow on Tha Bluff had been shot with expensive Hollywood cameras, it would've felt forced and more like a staged dramatization. As it stands, the movie has the feel it sets out to capture: an unadulterated view of ghetto life. It feels like you're an accessory to a shortlist of crimes as a member of Curtis's clique, right behind him for every armed antic, every drug deal, and every traumatic event. Snow's performance is reminiscent of Eminem's in 8 Mile. These guys don't need to be trained actors because for them, it's not an act. Their respective films chronicle events similar to ones that each man actually lived. It's a re-telling of their reality, so the performances are bone-deep. Snow's dynamic personality is what had me invested for the film's 78-minute run time.

Aside from a contrived ending that ruins any true sense of closure, Snow on Tha Bluff is a riveting film about life in one of Atlanta's most dangerous neighborhoods that thrives on a bone-deep performance from Curtis Snow and gritty camerawork that makes this a filmgoing experience with few equals. I now feel the wiser for witnessing the true story behind the superficiality of what we hear in today's music. Check it out on Netflix Instant.

3 OF 4 STARS

The Office - "Suit Warehouse" (Jan. 17, 2013)

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS:

This week, Darryl brings Pam along to Philadelphia where he interviews for a position at Jim's new startup. Dwight and Clark pretend to be a father-son sales team in an attempt to get the business of a family-owned suit company. Back at the office, Clark surprises everyone with a new espresso machine.

I didn't think this episode was as consistently funny as last week. I only found myself laughing out loud for the last ten or fifteen minutes, but that's not to say "Suit Warehouse" is completely devoid of things to chuckle at. The inevitable, caffeine-induced chaos that comes with the new espresso machine is an utter riot. We also get a long-awaited first look at the offices of Jim's sports marketing startup. "I dig the Facebook vibe," as Darryl puts it. "You really Zuckerberg'd the place out."

Darryl's job interview is also funny, dripping in the awkward humor that's made "The Office" a favorite. The scene made my skin crawl in the best way possible, something the show has been inconsistent on since the days of Michael Scott. I'm also anxiously awaiting the conversation between Jim and Pam regarding a move to Philly, something that's hinted at in this episode.